November 8th, 2022

I have (wrongly) always looked at growth as a constant progression. I don't know how that is possible as this has never been the case. I have always felt I did 1 step ahead and 2 back. I could have major breakthoughs one day to fall flat on my face the next day.

I think this is the part of me that is looking to grasp things and to secure them. The other part of me doesn't want security because it feels boring and stifling. No wonder I feel torn and stuck!

Making choices has been a struggle: what if I'm making a mistake and I'm wrong? What if I don't know what I'm doing? What if it doesn't go well... ?

But... the question I seldom ask myself is: what if it does well?

In general my days are filled with anxiety of the bad moves and the wrong decision (on top of all the things that I'm afraid of... like the state of the world for example).

It's funny that after all this time of working on myself, I still really feel that I mostly haven't grown.
That is untrue of course but I mostly focus on the negative here: I don't have a place to call mine. Professionally I don't have anything to show for. Financially I'm a mess and have earned less that the minimal wage. Relationship wise, even though I have stayed very close to my ex-partner, I have the feeling that we have not given our couple what it deserved and we have not build anything together. I have no child, no assets, no body of work... And I'm very near the 50 year mark!

Yep, it looks like a gloomy picture that I am depicting here.

That is not the whole picture though.

I do have insights that I have taken from my experiences. I have the privilege of being able to keep strong the relationship I have with my ex. I do have relationships in which I can talk deeply about things. There are rare but they are there - and some of them are living in the US ?. I also can draw from my experiences living abroad to put in perspective certain cultural traits that can drive me crazy sometimes. Well that does sparkle expatriation desires i have to say...

Anyway, coming back on the subject of growth, maybe I can give to myself some credit to what I have accomplish so far. And yes it isn't perfect and I definitely don't want to be complacent about it (I have issues I need to attend to) but while I'm doing this, I also need to look at the great stuff that I have within and that I have accomplished. That is why mapping out my resources are so important. #resourcesmap

So... it's time to let myself off the hook here. ?