November 11th, 2022

The emotion is there, just when breakthroughs could happen. A feeling of not wanting to get better. An impulsion to not keep at it but to destroy what is being build.

Emotions like anger oozes and cloud my judgement on what is going on. I often choose to listen to that uneasiness rather than looking at the opportunity for growth. I know I have choices and potential to really thrive.

So why am I taking the path of failure and despair? It feels like I have treaded this path millions of times. It is so familiar to me: the angst, the tightness in my chest, the beliefs of me being of no good...

It looks like the path of least resistance... and yet this is a hellish space to be, without hope for better improvement, for turning my life around...

I've been there and I come back there as if it was my home, my space, my shelter... I know it is weird as it is actually the opposite of that. It is a toxic and secluded place to be and disconnection from oneself and others ensues.

When I am there, I stay in that state for quite some time but then I need to find energy again and often times (actually every time), I am searching for an external source to help me reconnect. As if there were nothing in me left that could get me resourced.

This is not how I want it to be. That is why I need to map out my resources and find ways to develop self-reliance. It is a vital endeavor and I need to take and embark on this path.e. ;)