For me anyway, it's easy because... I've been doing that all my life. Regretting THE missing opportunity and whining that it is too late for me and feeling that I do not have the right set of cards... And even if for certain things it is indeed too late for me focusing on that is a pretty lame way to live.
And to be honest, when I've had many choices before me I felt lost not knowing what to do and I froze. It is often when there are no more choices and I'm being "forced" to decide that I actually do know what to do and how to act.
I don't want to have to be in chaotic situations or in patterns where I feel that outside forces are choosing for me.
I want to reclaim my turf and shift my belief.
If I continue to do the same, I will certainly have the same result... And yes, it is definitely madness! And sadness and misery down the line!
I've had the desire to leave France and move to another country... forever. When people ask me where I'd go, I give more than one country: Portugal, Spain, Ireland, maybe moving to Canada... never giving a definite answer.
Well, right now and with my situation, there are places I can't go anymore: Canada, Australia or New Zealand are now closed for me. My age, my marital status and the lack of diplomas is basically ruling me out...
When I think about that, I go straight into regrets and thinking that I should have never come back to France for that long. I should have kept on exploring and traveling. You see I have always wanted to live in another country (which I did for 8 years) but when I came back I let the years slip by... hoping to go back with my partner.
I feel sadness, and I have a self pitying attitude that keeps me stuck in apathy mode.
This way of being doesn't help at all and sustains the situation. I need to find a new way to break the pattern.
What if I look at the resources that I have on hand and see that as creative constraints?
So yes I can't expat to Canada, Australia, New Zealand anymore, as well as other countries...
But I still can go to other countries like Spain or Portugal...
I heard great things about the culture, the politics, and its way of life. The climate and the cost of living are not bad also... Of course, I would have to learn a new language...
The question I need to ask myself though is do I want to go there?
I thought that I didn't know what I wanted...
To be honest, this "not knowing" has also been part of my pattern: "My head is fuzzy - I don't know what I'm doing - I don't know what to do next..."
This has been a great way to not own and inhabit my space. Not knowing allowed me to not make any choices and prevent me to experience the unknown... on my own.
I always felt I didn't have any roots. My family has always wanted me to stay within its wall and I have always wanted to break free. Yet I also desired the true and authentic warmth that comes from a safe and trusting home. I feel that is what true roots are supposed to feel like... in my mind anyway. But I may idealize the picture...
In hindsight I think I was torned. Feeling smothered and unable to explore I want(ed) freedom, but feeling lonely most of the time I want(ed) connections... And I thought that family was maybe the last thing you could fall back on. I am paying a full price on that belief.
Folks, it's not because they're your family that they're good for your sanity and wellbeing!
And even if you love someone, if your heart is pulling you somewhere else, you have to listen to that pull and find a way to act upon it.
The truth is that I have wanted to go back to Ireland since I left in 2004. My decision to go to Australia was to experience another type of weather, to be even further from my family and to discover this amazing country I heard about through friends in Ireland. That was a beautiful experience and I learned a lot there.
But when I left I always said to myself that I would go back. And I tried.
But the cost of living went through the roof and I was always scared of being completely unable to sustain myself... I was astounded by the price of the rent and with that I also remembered the cold winters and the lack of great insulation within houses. I also was attached to my partner. With our separation though I realized that my staying in France had nothing to do with him but everything to do with my own fear. And it is still the case...
Even though I lived abroad on my own, I still feel that I am not self-reliant and unable to manage on my own.
And I think that it is one of the components of my stuckness. This belief has stunted my growth and maybe is what is stopping me to evolve and move to a space that will align with my soul.
Reclaiming my space is happening through practice and the actions that we take with the resources that we have.
I can always look at the glass with an empty lense and focus on the lack... but I know that the result will stay the same: sadness, regrets and self-loathing. With even more heaviness as it looks like that the more you get older and you haven't stepped into your own power, the more the issue is in your face and so are the feelings...
I want to experience something else: I want to step into my own space and tap into the resources I have.
I want to thrive and feel grounded. I want to listen to my own rhythm while harmonizing with an ensemble. I want to feel at home and be part of a community while feeling free to explore.
To have that I need to shift within. And use my constraints as creative props.
My limitations will be my creative force.
