But with the documentary of Jonah Hill's movie and with the tools that were presented, I questioned my assumptions of it being something to try to fix.
It is quite rare to see a therapist willing to let his guard down and be so opened about his past. The fact that he is doing that with his patient is even more incredible. And what was supposed to be a focus on the Doctor became about the relationship itself between him and Jonah Hill who came clean about how he felt. Which made the exchange an embodiment of their values and a playground for the practice of the tools that Dr Stutz is presenting us with. They are both openly expressing their failures and are willing to note when they hide, and act upon it to stay as aligned as possible with what their values are.
They are literally showing what it feels like to own their weakness and through that, inviting us to do the same.
You have to let yourself fuck it up.
Dr Stutz
I am scared of that. And with the failed attempt, I have been less and less inclined to try things out.
I could put that on others like it's their faults (my mum, my ex, the country I live in) but at the end of the day, even though these things needs to be acknowledged, I'm the one who decides what my life is about...
This last year I have spiraled down with the failures that I felt kept coming. The growing feeling of wasted time and the frustration over not having the things that I desired (children, a sustainable and ecological home, living in another country, a mature and sane relationship with my mum, a sustainable and fulfilling job, a community that had values aligned with mine, a studio in which I could feel stable in this year so as to be able to build my business, my health declining and the aging, etc...) added with the fears I felt with how the world behaved these last couple of years... did put me in a very depressed state... and I'm still in it.
Even though I felt stuck with Nicolas I also felt that he was my safe net somehow. And I think that's why I was so reluctant to let go.
When this was gone, this base just crumbled and my fears became even more so palpable. When the job in Verdun fell through, I think that all hell went loose. I guess that's why I became so insomniac after that...
I became wary of everything but also tired... and stuck in such a state that I'm scared to act. I definitely do have an investment in the result...
With this opened and heart-felt documentary I see that it doesn't matter if I actually succeed. The most important thing is to not stop trying and not have my eyes on the goal but on the actions I am making everyday...
Next I'm gonna present the tools that the documentary presents.
Edit: I feel the conclusion is quite superficial and is missing some big understanding but I don't know what the lessons are... yet.
Normally when I don't have that yet I don't express anything. I write some words but I stay frustrated that it doesn't come out and what could have become an article is staying as a draft in my computer. I have literally hundreds of them.
When Stutz is saying "if you do it perfectly, you contradict what you're trying to do", it got me thinking about the reasons I'm not writing as often. I want my blog posts to be perfect. I looked into this before thanks to one of the many conversations I have with Rebecca Teeter and her article on Perfect... but it's still an issue. Only practice and actions being made everyday will help me here.
Thank you so much for reading me.
