January 8th, 2023

I have felt homeless for many years. The first time that my ex gave me the key to his flat, I was stunned. I felt welcomed and cherished. And it wasn't only the key he gave me but he made spaces for me.
That was the first time someone ever done that for me.

But I think I still kept feeling uprooted and had a hard time investing the rooms.
Even when we moved in new flats together, I was not fully taking ownership. Whereas he could very easily do it.
My way of doing it wa through clearing and cleaning.
Once I did the "Marie Kondo" huge cleaning. It was a challenge but after a whole week I felt light and full of energy. I realize it has always been easier for me to give away and take out from my space that to add in (beauty, nourishment, fulfillment, fun, objects,...).
I always felt that the proces of sorting out was only a step towards owning my space and learning to harmonize and nourish it so that I would feel secure within... I guess that's why I studied at 21 Interior Design in Ireland (I have a Diploma) as well as Feng Shui... I wanted to learn that as I felt that was missing within me.

But a home is not a secluded space cut out from the world. It is connected within a system with other homes and other structures and it is subjected within a culture, a nation, a country...
A relationship can feel like home. The one I had with my ex has often felt like this.

But despite the love that I feel, a system like a country can (is) paramount to my thriving and my growth.

When I left France at 21 years old, I felt in love with a country. It gave me a warm welcome, a language that made sense to me, a simplicity of living and encouragement that I never felt before.
I felt free to explore and learn. I felt secure and never judged.
I don't know if this country has changed (I'm sure it did) and I have not been back there for 24 years... but going back has been on my mind for decades.
When people are questioning me about it, they often express their concern, worrying that I may be running away... that my issues will be the same everywhere.

On one level I get it: "you do carry your load of bagages with you and if you expect resolve from being elsewhere, you might set yourself up for failure and misery".
But I feel that you learn and grow through experiences and a system can help you thrive or stifle you, so is a place.

My biggest growth happened through my 8 years abroad.
And I also learned while being in my relationship with my ex. I said yes to those. Because it resonated within.

I have never resonated with France. To be honest I have felt this huge waste of time and energy mostly while living here. And I have never felt home.

So this year, I take the plunge and move to Ireland.
I don't know what the journey will be. I don't know if I'm making a huge mistake. If I'll end up being broke and at a lower point that now...

I don't know. But life I not about being sure. It's about taking on risks to take ownership of your life. And reclaim your own space to finally come home.