Stability and freedom, movement and stillness, isolation and connection,... And who are all intertwined and speak at the same time! I have felt torned apart, confused and thought I had to choose one side over the other... without being able to and without being able to identify who was talking.

A few days ago, my friend invited me to go through a session of IFS (Internal Family System). If this is the first time you come across it, The IFS is a model that acknowledges and brings to consciousness those different parts that are oftentimes fused in together and un-discerned.

This work allows for our Self to regain its driver seat. We know that our Self is finally on the driver seat when we become curious and benevolent toward those parts.

Awhile ago, I looked into that and was interested in it as it made sense to me. I read some books but didn't go very far. My friend who is exploring the subject in depth invited me to do one to practice his skills and to help me clarify things for a subject that has been present for some time: My difficulty to settle, stabilize and find a place that suits me while at the same time fearing of being trapped and locked in a place.

The experience was an eye opener and throughout it made sense that my issue goes beyond finding a physical space but applies to my work, my relationship, what and how I'm learning... I have always felt that it was hard for me to choose. In French we have an expression "avoir le cul entre deux chaises" which translates as "having one's butt between two chairs". That means that one doesn't know what to choose. In my case, I think it is my fear of making a mistake and not feeling loved if I do that froze me.

There is a lot to be said about the subject. But to be honest I am still unclear about all that and I have to say that this post feels quite superficial as if I am not diving in. It feels like a big messed up puzzle right now. Part of my process and exploration is not having it perfect but it is to look at what's here and go through the experience...

I am going to explore that subject this whole week.