Until now...
I actually felt guilty about letting it go. In my mind, I kept this burden alive as if I had been ordered from birth that that carrying the torch was to be my sole purpose in life.
I thought it was wrong for me to want something else, to say no, to go to other countries and step away from that, to separate from the people I thought were responsible for loading this onto me.
For the first time around I did moved to other countries, explored new modalities & cultures, "worked on myself",... I left France at 21 years old and lived in Ireland and Australia overall for 8 years. But then in some strange ways I returned to what I considered my home (now seen as my zone of familiarity-that-sucks) as a fly attracted to the light..
Feeling this pull towards it, I went back - time and time again - saying no to true freedom, inner security and flow and "welcoming" restriction, dependence, and self-deprecation. I kept that cycle alive and well for too many years "nourishing" my fears, anguish and guilt...
Instead of welcoming abundance, I deprived myself of feeling joy and happiness.
But, with the appearance I was progressing though: like indulging in the practice of uncluttering (taking out) rather than putting in what could nourish my life overall. (Don't get me wrong here: uncluttering is a great practice but to be honest it was... still is more easy for me to have nothing rather than owning something because of the fear of it being taken away... so in my case uncluttering is sustaining a belief of dis-ownership... if that makes sense. It is easier for me to let go of things that to hold on to them and care for them. This understanding has shifted my approach towards my practice in which sorting things out has its place but is done with utmost care and used towards bring awareness to what you're attached to and the values and resources of that "thing" - whatever it might be.)
I know this mindset has prevented me from growing professionally and personally: my relationships with my ex and friends, my earnings, my not having a house on my own, a child, and everything else in between...
I have forcefully - and I guess kinda intentionally - prevented myself from living and feeling joy holding on to sadness, self-deprecation, and critics...
Today, this heaviness has taken a lot of space in my heart. [Edit: since I'm in Spain, somehow it feels lighter.]
We often say that "Home is where the heart is", right?
So question (to myself): If the space in my heart is unsettled by this heaviness, anxiety and fear, how can I really feel at home within myself and have it reflected in my life?
I have definitely been very loose with my boundaries letting others invade my - private, inner - space. And instead of reclaiming that space I made matters worse by wanting out of my own heart.
My reaction has been that it was a necessity to do it because where I was supposed to feel safe, loved and respected for who I was, I wasn't... at all.
So yes to going to new places & establishing external boundaries with people that are deprecating and manipulative AND also yes to keep in check my inner environment and give it care to not let litter mounts up. Sadness and pain is I guess part of life but I held on to that so long that I could not appreciate life's beauty as well.
And if I'm being honest, I didn't make myself visible because I felt that my (inner and outer) home was not really inviting... I don't know about you but if I invite someone over I like to have my home clean and pretty... And I didn't feel that my home was pretty enough.
I would often get tense when welcoming someone over and would often find it easier to be in someone else's home rather than mine... (yep, there is a lot of deeps meanings here to dig into)
I'd be quite curious about their environments and their lives and was often comparing with what I had or had not. Judging my own projects and what I wanted from someone else standpoint.
Taking this as the measure to gauge if I was good enough. I'd then would act according to that "note": I would often drop off my projects and not hold fast on what I believed in... just to feel accepted.
I have a responsibility towards myself to give what my "caretakers" never did (trust, love and safety so that I can be loving, trusting, and at peace with who I am).
Reclaiming and owning my space means parenting me so that I can create all that for myself. I want to grow instead of depriving myself of beauty and goodness.
I know that it's gonna take work and steps that might be hard because those are so unfamiliar.
But I hope that towards these journey, I can reclaim my space and fill it more and more with who I am. And celebrate every little steps toward that goal.
That's what I really want to focus on this year.
[Edit: It's important to be aware that some environment &/or culture are designed to keep someone below the waters to make sure the weight of what he/she/they carry is filled to the brim.
By staying in that casserole of boiling water (yep, that's the image of a frog for you), it's gonna be hard to see any other way...
I moved to a new country, I have not resolved the whole of it (and I'm not expecting my issues to go as if by magic but I can surely breathe better and feel safe and sound. The weight does not feel as heavy as before...
So here is what I have experienced: the environment and the people that surround you can help you lift things up or... keep you down. You need to clarify and establish good boundaries to lead your life.]
