November 23rd, 2022

Since I've been back from Australia some 18 years ago I have had this feeling that it was going to be temporary and that I would go live in another country.
I wanted to do that while being with my ex and always hoped we would go together. It never happened and life as we say just got in the way.

It's never too late to do something...

Until it is.

When I left I didn't see it in any other way because I had to run away from the stifling and smothering family I was living in. Not resonating as well with the French culture, I had to explore something else. But truth be told, I was scared and if I had not had this special person who knew my situation and my parents and who encouraged me to stay and live in my own terms I would not have find the courage to learn new sets of skills and find my own way of doing things.

I'm also grateful for the time my ex (and best-friend) had together. We had many beautiful and deep conversations and he helped me so much in understanding what boundaries and self-reliance are. So I definitely do not regret this.

I just see myself encouraging others to explore new countries and culture and go for what resonates for them and not listening to other's expectations, projections and desires that I can't help but notice that this is my own heart talking to my own self and who wants that.

Oftentimes when you have lived in another country, it's hard because you have been overtook by the traveling bug... But for some people, coming back home makes so much sense. Home is their root and is the missing part of who they are. But for me (as a 2nd generation French - my grand-parents were from East Europe), I have never seen France as my home. I tried to when coming back here and living with my partner.

But I never felt any resonance. I did however felt something with the place I visited (Sydney in Australia and Galway in Ireland) but somehow I couldn't stay.

And if I look at the events and the places I've been, I've often reside in areas I didn't like more often than those I really liked.

If the attraction law really is true, I need to look into the beliefs I have about what I can have... There is one thing that I unfortunately still believe: "Everything that I have, build or own can be taken away... So why bother" or "I am not meant to have things of my own".
Because just writing this makes me realize I've set things up for failure here...

I felt like writing this post right after I had a conversation with the son who's living in the house I'm staying right now.
For the first time we had a deep conversation. I felt a great intelligence in him (like a very high level one) and... I was right. Talking about travelling though made me sad and ponder about that for myself.

My goal was to resolve what's going on here and when finished, go to Brittany in France... But is it really where I want to really go?

I don't have an answer... yet.