The verb "discerning" implies the ability to define what is right for oneself from what isn't and from that ability can one choose in awareness... (Okay so it's the other way around. ?)
That can be a real challenge when one has learned to modify and silence their own needs and overly adapt to the external changes so that one can keep a - however false - sense of self and security.
I never knew on what ground to stand on and became quite doubtful of myself and others (while at the same time feeling the need of their presence). I would often (still do to be honest) let another's need overtake the whole of my inner space...
And so my behavior would comply with people surrounding me and their decisions. It became so intense sometimes that I would totally lose myself and would feel the need to go the other way by retreating and isolating myself to regain some boundaries and discernment between the others and me. This back and forth has been the ongoing theme of my life.
I internalized this to such an extent that as an adult, I sometimes am unable to define what those needs would or could be. Maybe that is a strategy to lessen and quiet what my Self wants to express and avoid feeling rejected if I do. One example that I used on numerous occasion before was to say "Oh well it doesn't matter" when it actually did.
Thanks to beautiful close friends who were grounded and trustworthy I was reminded how important it is to own my space (and have one for that matter), state my needs and know that they are all ok, instead of shoving them down my throat and muzzle them.
I have learned the truth of that through observing my behaviors, my emotions (anger/frustration and sadness) as well as my body (often in pain).
I am in the process of reclaiming some secured ground but I still have a long way to go...
On that note, as you know I am working with a coach and tried a psychotherapist that was around.
I said tried because I decided not to keep going with her.
Her rules, her statement that to truly unravel the problem, 10 years with a session a week is necessary (stated even before knowing what was the matter at hand) as well as a lack of warmth, 45 min session instead of what I previously thought (1hr), all made me unable to open up. When she expressed her concerns that my life seemed undefined ? (she had a hard time understanding me), that was a red flag that clarified the action I needed to make: "call her, say thanks and good bye". Her answer was quick, cold and as I hang up I felt a relief.
Now feeling relief could mean 2 things:
- "Thank God I don't have to do this anymore because it is killing me inside and this situation seems un-nourishing and even could be very toxic to me", or
- "This is an issue that I do not want to look at so I prefer avoiding it and stay oblivious to the problem at hand..."
- If you see more than that, don't hesitate in letting me know...
I feel I'm more on the first side than the latter. I know I still need to dive in and get help to unravel the knots. Discerning the 5 W and H - what, who, when, where, why and how - and in this instance what and who is right for me seems primordial for my growth. So I will keep my senses and antennas opened to attract the right person for me. ?
