In my first article I wrote that the purpose of this blog was about journalling my own exploration towards sourcing (and discovering) my own thread which meant: finding out and revealing what my path was...
But somehow last week I felt lost as the purpose of my writing was unclear. In general when that's the case, my energy drops down not knowing where to go. The last post seemed very superficial. And I couldn't write after that.
While the procrastination was going on full speed, I also had meaningful exchanges and sessions with friends and therapist which led to a deep breakthrough - and a "Wtf!? It was there all along in front of my freaking face!?" ?
This understanding was about my underlying theme (that binds my personal storyline, my motivations, my many interests and passions, my work, personal and professional situation, my past and present experiences, the choices and actions I've made and their consequences, the skills and sensitivity I developed over the years and my point of view about myself and the world, etc... take a breath) is!
Through my nearly 48 years of life I have experienced boundaries and controlling issues, invasion of my privacy and my integrity, a lack of a sense of overall security and safety, and a damaged sense of self...
I did my best to protect myself. And the strategies and the choices I made earlier on in my life were oftentimes used to survive the stifling and overbearing environment I was living in. I didn't have any sense of stability that one would normally get from trusting parenting. Neither belonging nor control over my own life. I didn't feel that I could own anything (as it could easily be taken away). So I'd mostly stepped aside from my Self and retrieve within, finding unconscious ways to be uncontrolled and on the move but also not settle within and thrive to avoid having whatever I build being taken away. I set myself up for chaos and un-groundedness...
Yet I still tried to find ways to heal myself.
Through understanding and healing the overall system that led to such behavior while attending to individual issues.
My thinking being that if the system is imbalanced and sick that impact the individuals within it. The sum of all individuals makes up the system... So I did my best to understand my family, work on myself and try to bring awareness on the issues...
Lesson learned: There has to be a genuine desire to see and change. When faced with people doing gazlighting there is absolutely no hope to entertain. I learned it the hard way! That can really waste your time (and your life). And can sustain negative patterns and beliefs (like "I'm unable to succeed on my own").
The other way - that made me truly grow and been beneficial - has been to explore approaches that would bring my self back home. The training, the experimenting, the skills I developed along the way (even the travelling) were perfect for this and appropriate for what I'm here to do... But I never fully realized it...
Up until now.
So. What is the purpose and the core subject here?
Thank you for asking.
And thank you for your patience! ?
This blog is gonna explore how to:
Source, Reclaim, Own & Inhabit one's own Space (SROIS).
And when I say "space" I am not only talking about the physical and outside of ourselves space but also the inner world and the in-between... In short the many ways and forms we take ownership of our space within our Selves.
I am also going to consolidate the learning I have integrated so far to take responsibility and pride in who I am and what I have achieved, show up and feel empowered.
Some would say, that's about time!
Well, I used to believe that my life had no meaning, that I was without resources and strengths. This year with all that happened I'm realizing that this has been a story I kept to avoid reclaiming my space and take full ownership of my own life.
What can I say? I'm a late bloomer. ?
Edit: We're at the beginning of year 2023, and even though it was clearer for me that I need to Source, Reclaim, Own & Inhabit one's own Space (SROIS), I just didn't know how...
With events pertaining my relationship with my mum who is doing her part to keep me dependent, it is clear that the first steps are to grow as an self-reliant person and act in such a way that I know I have the resources within to move forward (wherever that might be)
I have numerous written notes on the subject. Now is the time to put them in concrete actions.
